Thoughts Lost to be Never Found


Thoughts within my head are often dire when memories arrive,

To think of Vietnam is difficult in whole but I’m grateful to be alive,

Drafted while still a teen with a deferment seems unfair as I see,

If only I had known the IQ test would stampede recruiters to me,

 

My intelligence score was the highest score ever for Panhandle men,

Lower scores would allow staying home for manager training to begin,

At first I was proud to have done well and the attention I received,

As time moved on I learned each recruiter meant to have deceived,

 

I was deserted by everyone I loved, a sad and troubling fact by far,

No memory of a reason to be loved by those I love and I was no star,

If only one soul I knew had written me I would have responded in full,

Perhaps I need to evaluate myself in full to determine if I acted a fool,

 

Something I must have done turned love away from me to another,

Thirteen younger brothers and sisters failed to write as did my mother,

The girl I love never answered my letters or even send a greeting card,

I queried myself numerous times to find out why I was treated so hard,

 

I had tried desperately hard to please those I liked or loved in my heart,

Tears will again fall to the ground tonight as I fight totally falling apart,

Drafted and soon to depart for basic training then off to recon school,

The girl I love is going with a guy and it appears I am but a lovesick fool,

 

To be honest my heart is broken yet I must forgive her or be totally unfair,

Too many friends died in Vietnam leaving a girl after dying over there,

I wouldn’t burden her with such although I love her with all my heart,

Am I too soft as a man perhaps and should I be firmer from the start?

 

Blessings did come my way after my second trip home from the service,

We kissed, she and I, I forgave all past events although I am nervous,

I had orders for Vietnam in hand so I didn’t tell her that I loved her so,

Shipped overseas without letters from home or wherever I happen to go,

 

For over a year I have not received any mail when I’ve gone to the P.O.

A nickname of “no mail Pat” hung on me in fun but it truly hurt me so,

I wrote letters to brothers, sisters, mother, but most of all twice to her,

Her being Patti who I loved so very much but I only told my father,

 

I wrote the letter of death to all I love as a policy of the Navy Department,

The longest letter I wrote to Patti apologizing for words in letters I sent,

I must be of a weak character since no one has answered a letter,

Perhaps Patti returned to her boyfriends arms because he was better,

 

I accept my failings as a man and I pray I will grow inside if I survive,

Soon I’ll be discharged and the shrinks think her love of me is not alive,

I’m sure they are correct but at last I am going home to everyone today,

No one met me at the airport so this weak man will have to walk the way,

 

I cried outside her house upon my arrival home in the early morning AM.

My ride home was an angel of mercy who said with hope you may win,

He spoke of her and I truly think he felt within me every ounce I pained,

I am weak for her no doubt, I would give years away if her love remained.

The end